Growing up with my mother’s inappropriate and abusive behavior, learning how not to be seen nor heard was my protection. I was able stay invisible for several years as my mother’s outrage and manipulation was focused on my older siblings, until I turned 13 and had my first “puppy love” boyfriend.
Two weeks before Christmas, my mother’s and boyfriend’s whereabouts were unknown. I found out my mother took my boyfriend to a hotel the night before to teach him “how to be a man.” I did not understand what that really meant at the time, but I knew something was not right. The next day, my mother came home as if nothing happened, and I never heard from my boyfriend again.
Then came a notification from the welfare department: I, the youngest, would age out of the system at 14 years old and therefore, she was to seek employment, as her welfare assistance would end. My mother had been on welfare since I was in first grade. Now, I became the center of her anger. After school one day, she had someone I didn’t know drop me off at foster care. I was scared and had no idea what was going on. I was not there long and never found out why I was returned to her, but I figured she placed me in foster care because I was an expense and was no longer going to be a money source.
Not long after my 14th birthday was the summer before ninth grade. I was excited. Even though I was not allowed to do activities, sports or anything else that would cost money or draw attention to my mother or to our house, I was still excited for the new adventure of high school and the classes into which I could withdraw.
The one friend I managed to have invited me to the local skating rink, which was a hangout for teenagers. I loved to roller skate. My friend and I had a blast meeting new friends our age. A few weeks later, I was allowed to go a second time with this friend. We met with the same new friends. This was thrilling, because I was never allowed to have friends. No one was allowed to come over, nor was I allowed to go to anyone’s house. I met and skated with this boy who was nice to me, but I did not want him to know where I lived because of my mother. However, we exchanged numbers. Big mistake! My mother found the paper with his number on it, and she called him. I thought that was the end of skating and having friends outside of school. Not only was I shocked that she allowed me to go skating the first two times, but to my surprise, she kept allowing me to go. Eventually, I was allowed to talk with this boy on the phone.
One day, my mother took me to Planned Parenthood and had them prescribe me birth controls pills. I did not understand why I was supposed to take these pills, since I was not having sex. But one thing I did not do was question or go against my mother!
She started taking me to other strange appointments. She took me to a cardiologist. I had to do these cardio exercises wired up to a machine with nothing on but my underwear. My mother later told me that I have a hole in my heart, and if I were to get pregnant, I would have a heart attack and die.
My mother then took me to talk to a judge. He asked me questions like whether I was pregnant or did drugs (NO!). She also invited the boy from the skating rink over for dinner on several occasions and, eventually, to spend the night several times. I was only 14 years old, but I knew she was up to no good. My mother always had a hidden plan that she would spring on us at any hour of the day or night.
Feeling uneasy, I called a sibling who had a room for me to stay in. I begged them to come get me and let me stay with them. When my sibling arrived, my mother went crazy — how dare I go against her? That was a beating I still remember years later.
After the dust settled, I found out the boy from the skating rink was 21 years old (seven years older than me) and not the teenager he had pretended to be. My mother then informed me that no one would take me in; my father and our family don’t want me, so I WILL marry this boy, or she would kick me out on the street. Scared of being homeless, I did what she said. I hoped that if I played along, she would move on to the next victim and leave me alone.
I was married in January and turned 15 in February. For a while, I was thankful for my friend-turned-spouse. I would think, “This is my friend, and he saved me from the abuse of my mother,” or at least that was the picture I saw at the time. I did not know any better, nor did I know what was really going on in the background. I was not old enough, wise enough nor educated enough to recognize red flags that an adult would see.
The part of my wedding day I still remember most was seeing only one family member in attendance. After the wedding, I asked why no one else showed up. I was informed that they were only there to make sure I got married. It turns out my mother literally sold me to this man who I believed was saving me. He paid a “deposit” and made monthly payments to my mother. My family member was indeed only at my wedding to make sure I “sealed the deal.”
I ended up getting pregnant and having a child, which is another story all by itself. Eventually, I caught my husband having an affair with my sibling, so I left him.
I was only married two and a half years. With this experience at such an early age, I had to become an adult quickly and learn everything for myself and by myself. Unfortunately, I have made bad choices in my life getting to where I am now. I did not have family, a role model nor anyone I could ask for help or advice. I had to learn by experience. This has put me in survivor mode for over 40 years, and it is exhausting. But I can say I am a survivor. I am strong. For that, I am thankful.
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*At Jen’s request, her name has been changed and the photo used here is not actually of her.
